Major Life Choices

Today I'm laughing at a friend, something I probably do at least three times a day because I like to poke fun at people for giggles. I'm mean like that.

Why am I laughing though, well, last night she was rude to a complete stranger at a club. Why? Because in his "posh", condescending way he questioned why she studied International Relations. I'm laughing at her to make her feel bad (again, a meanie) but I would do exactly the same.

When people question my life decisions, in that condescending, judging kind of way, I feel outright rage. I make my life decisions on an individual basis, I have my own interpretation on what makes me happy and what drives me so for a stranger to judge what I have chosen for myself is illogical. How can they see through my perspective and know what's right for me? People who are insecure about their own life choices question others.

Here's the problem though: I do it too.

I actively try not to make judgements on people's largest life choices, this does not mean to say I am not curious as to what drove them to said choices but I will never include a condescending or negative remark if I can help it. Everyday decisions, however, I will judge into the ground. What I fail to realise is that we are all fallible human beings, we make mistakes, we go through periods where we can't even lift a finger without wondering whether the energy expended is worth it. I do all of these things frequently, today I have done next to nothing because I'm emotionally and physically drained. When people say they've done nothing all day, I fail to see the reasons behind it but I am more than willing to justify my inaction with namby-pamby (British all day, every day) excuses.

Do I set harsher standards for others as an attempt to ignore my own failures? By focusing on other's weaknesses do I successfully avoid mine?

It's something I have to stop and that I want to stop. It's not a simple cognitive switch but a learning process, I have to practice not judging people for their actions, I have to catch myself in the moment and explore it rather than dismiss it off hand.

Will I have success? Who knows.

Will the process at least make me a better person? Yes.

Tumultuous Times

I recently became single, yes ladies, the rumours are true.

But I have no idea what single people are supposed to do.

I have been in a relationship since the age of 16 and it was an amazing relationship full of memories I will treasure forever, with places I will never forget and likely never see again. It however had to end. So now, I am here, standing alone and unsure of what to do with myself. I woke up to a person every day for so long I no longer know what it's like to wake up and realise that there is no-one waiting to hear how I am. I instinctively feel like I need to tell someone how I am doing every morning out of fear no-one will care enough to ask me. Being recently single is a desperate struggle against your own mind, regardless of which side of breaker up or breakee you are.

At times, when I'm alone late at night, I feel like I need to call someone to say goodnight. But there isn't anyone.

I reach for a phone that won't help me, for a contact that isn't there and I know this, yet still I chase the habit. 

Where do I direct my attention?

I will no doubt fill the void with exercise, power lifting my way through the break up. I can control that, the weight I'm lifting will go up and my diet will be measured unlike my emotions. 

I will find new roads to follow, that don't have intrinsic links with my old and rose tinted relationship. It may be music and friends, something I've neglected in my recent months, hoping that the emotion of music wouldn't stir something in me and that my deep founded fears of my relationship wouldn't come out to those who knew me. 

I'm supposed to be a new person.

But I still feel like I'm being dragged back.

I'm so confused.

Compulsiveness Is Not The Way To Blog

I'm a compulsive writer.

 The need to write comes to me infrequently but when it does, I can't help but write something inane and long to satisfy my needs. I'm not sure I've ever really been able to stick with anything, my capacity to last is certainly improving but I feel disinterest chasing me every day. Studies show that people who focus well are generally happier, but I find my scatty brain rather enjoyable. I can watch a highlight video of a basketball game, all of two minutes long, and pause it and chase other news and entertainment at least five times during it's duration.

It seems it's just the way I am.

I know though, that with my university year coming to an end and a four month summer approaching, that I will need another hobby on my already long list. I'll write here sometimes, maybe it will be good, maybe it will be bad. I know there's someone out there that's going to read this, it's the blogging sphere.

To bed, where I will no doubt look at Twitter updates for an hour or two.